(Sound system plays Edith Piaf's "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" as J. Harvey makes his way through the capacity crowd of party faithful and on to the podium. He shakes hands and exchanges pleasantries with people he pretends to know. He reaches the main stage and steps up to microphone. Crowd continues cheering as J. Harvey waits for the tumult to die down...)

Thank you...Thank you...Thank you...(winks and points at random faces in the crowd) Thank you...(holds out hands to quiet crowd) Thank You... (relative silence)

Well friends, it's been a long and winding yellow brick country road less travelled. (cheers)

In the last four weeks, I've seen every corner of this great province and met with thousands of real Nova Scotians. I've also met with fake Nova Scotians, and have had Nova Scotians -I'm not sure if they were real or fake- yell their support from the windows of moving vehicles. And I want to tell you right now that I won't forget a single face that I've encountered during this campaign - though I will probably forget all the others.

But the campaign is finally over. I've just been on the phone with the premier's answering machine (boos), where we exchanged friendly words about how to leave a message, and what to do if the premier found that his refrigerator was running.

And with that pointless gesture out of the way, we can officially call it a night. We fought a hard campaign, a clean campaign, and most of all an honest campaign...and we did it all without publicity, without candidates, and without big money. In fact WE did it without ANY money at all!! (cheers - a cry of 'Who's paying for this!?' from the caterer)

And as we watched the other party leaders become more desperate and shrill as election day approached, as campaigns degenerated into the same old pattern of attack ads and personal disparagement, as candidates met questions with regurgitated slogans, non-answers, and refusals to admit inescapable realities, and as the incumbent premier began to sound more and more like a worried employee begging to keep his job, the Undecided Party stayed above the fray, out of the mud, and entirely free of the kind of predictable parade of pugnacious partisan polemic that permeates the political process. (cheers - 'No. Seriously!' from the caterer)

In the last few days, both pundits and parties declared that the undecided voter would determine the outcome of this election. Well, they were right. (cheers) In fact, not only did we DECIDE the election - but by virtue of the fact that there were more Nova Scotians who chose not to support ANY of the mainstream organizations than there were who DID vote for any one party, we WON this election! (several minutes of mayhem - J.Harvey pointing and winking, holding up hands in attempt to control the cheering throng)

HOWEVER... (J. Harvey quiets the crowd) However, we've learned that, due to such petty, punitive technicalities as not being a (makes quote marks with fingers) REGISTERED party, and not having any (finger quotes again) OFFICIAL candidates, and due to an electoral law which invalidates write-in ballots, the UDP will be prevented from claiming its rightful place in control of the next government. (several minutes of less positive mayhem - one confused member starts chanting 'four more years')

I know...I know...(more boos)

Now, some supporters have suggested that we launch a legal suit. Some supporters have made more...extreme recommendations...(more suggestions are proffered by the crowd)

But we have bigger fish to fry. (expectant hush) As of tomorrow, the mother party, the Undecided Party of CANADA, will turn its undivided attention to preparing for the upcoming federal election - with an expanded national platform, an exciting new selection of UDP paraphernalia, and plans for a 2004 Undecided Party Swimsuit Calendar. (cheers)

Naturally, the entire campaign machinery of the UDP NS will be offering its full support to informing the nation that there is a legitimate -or illegitimate, if you prefer- alternative to the same old political 'options.' But we won't be ignoring our local obligations. As soon as the Hamm minority falls -and let's face it, the sooner, the better- the UDP NS will be ready to once again offer Nova Scotia's voters the choice of choosing not to choose! (cheers, applause)

Of course, at some point in these election night speeches, the leaders who aren't forming the next government make a point of saying that they'll do everything in their power to support the new premier - putting partisan politics aside in the interest of the province, and pulling together to make Nova Scotia a better place for all its citizens.

Right.

I look forward to seeing Mr. Dexter and Mr. Graham pat Mr. Hamm on the back after he passes a piece of legislation, or listening to them defend his performance on a radio call-in show - and I'm sure that the next sitting of the Legislature will be the very picture of cooperation and harmony, and not simply a confirmation that campaign hypocrisy doesn't end when the polls are closed. I really, really can't wait to see that.

But while I wait for that and other signs that Hell is freezing over, in keeping with the Undecided Party's policy of saying what we mean and meaning what we say, I'll state now and for the record that if Mr Hamm calls, he can leave a message on my machine - and maybe I'll get back to him.