Official transcript of J. Harvey Fink's largely recycled
–and therefore green– election night speech
from the Minnie Wimple Ballroom of
Grande Imperial Hotel 'n Goode Eats.
(Karaoke Opera Night every Friday. All You Can Eat buffet on Tuesdays.)

UDP Logo

(In what has become a traditional selection for election night speeches, the sound system plays Edith Piaf's "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" as J. Harvey makes his way through the capacity crowd of party faithful and on to the podium. He shakes hands and exchanges pleasantries with people he pretends to know. He reaches the main stage and steps up to microphone. Crowd continues cheering as J. Harvey waits for the tumult to die down...)

Thank you...Thank you...Thank you... (winks and points at random faces in the crowd) Thank you... (goes through the motions of adjusting microphone) Thank You... (holds out hands to quiet crowd) Thank You... (relative silence)

Well friends, here we are again and it seems that the more things change, the more they stay the same. (cheers)

The ballots are in, and as in the 2004 and 2006 elections, it's the ballots that aren't in that tell the real story. (cheers)

Once again, the Undecided Party represents a larger percentage of the eligible electorate than any other party in the nation – once again demonstrating that there were more Canadians who felt that none of the candidates they were being offered were worth their support, than there were who voted for any of the individual parties. And when a campaign begins with an animated puffin shitting on an opposing leader, are any of us surprised? (cheers)

And as pre-election news coverage showed, a staggering number of Canadians who did vote, weren't voting for a person or party they liked, but against one they hated – voters were motivated not by the hopes of electing the best, but the fear of electing the worst. Unfortunately, due to this 'hidden' constituency, we may never know the real size of the majority whose values and opinions matched those of the Undecided Party of Canada, but the official numbers to show that we easily carried the popular vote, and almost certainly, a majority of the ridings. (cheers)

Meanwhile, Jack Layton, who started the campaign by announcing that he was running for Prime Minister (laughs from the crowd) ... yes folks, everybody loves a kidder ... Jack Layton ends up in fourth place behind the Bloc Québécois

...the Liberals gave up votes to just about every party but the Republicans, and ended up with the worst popular support numbers in the party's history

...the Greens, after unprecedented press coverage during the campaign and a place at two national debates, have a party leader without a seat, leading a party without a seat

...and the Conservatives, after three attempts by Harper to make the Conservatives the 'natural ruling party,' received the votes of less than 25% of eligible voters and still can't manage a parliamentary majority even against a historically fractured left.

of theses leaders achieved their goals, and yet they're all claiming various forms of victory. Welcome to politics, folks. (laughs)

But now, the polls are closed, the votes are counted, and it's time to stick a fork in this turkey. It's done. (cheers) Happy Thanksgiving. (cheers)

I've just been on the phone with Mr. Harper's answering machine –which hurled insults and then apologized and blamed it on Ryan Sparrow– left a few words of requisite congratulations, and suggested a few charities that would be able to make use of his sweater vests. And with that pointless gesture out of the way, we can officially call it a night. As has always been the case with the Undecided Party of Canada, we fought a hard campaign, a clean campaign, and most of all, an honest campaign. We did it despite an almost complete mass-media blackout, we did it without candidates, and we did it without big money. In fact, as always, we did it without any money at all!! (cheers)

And ... we won. (several minutes of mayhem, J. Harvey pointing and winking, holding up hands in attempt to control the cheering throng)

HOWEVER... (J. Harvey quiets the crowd) However, as with the 2004 and 2006 elections, due to such petty, punitive technicalities as not being a (makes quote marks with fingers) REGISTERED party, and not having any (finger quotes again) OFFICIAL candidates, and due to an electoral law which invalidates write-in ballots, the UDP will be prevented from claiming its rightful place in control of the next government. (several minutes of less positive mayhem - boos, catcalls, heckles, hisses, hollers, hoots, jeers, raspberries and various derisive sounds of disapproval.)

I know...I know...(more boos, etc.) But stay tuned. After all, a party that won the first three federal elections that it ever ran in, can't be held back forever! (cheers)

But for now, we have to rest while we can. With a country faced with yet another minority government, it may only be a few months before we have to go through all this again. (a blood curdling scream of "NO!" from the crowd – several individuals faint and are carried from the room) I know, I's not a prospect that any of us are looking forward to, but let's try to enjoy the peace while we have it.

And as always on election nights, all the party leaders will make a point of 'congratulating' the other leaders through gritted teeth, and those who aren't forming the next government will make a point of declaring that they'll do everything in their power to support the new Prime Minister –despite all the names they've called each other during the previous weeks, months, and years– in an effort to 'put partisan politics aside in the interest of the nation, working together to make Canada a better place for all its citizens.'

I'm sure it will happen ... this time. (laughs) No ... (Fink laughs) ... seriously ... they're all going to work together. (more laughs) In the meantime, I suppose it's probably fitting that campaigns that begin with lies should end with lies.

But in keeping with the Undecided Party's policy of saying what we mean and meaning what we say, I'll state again and for the record that if Mr. Harper calls, he can leave a message on my machine - and maybe I'll get back to him.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, in a tradition established by our first two election night victory speeches, the bar is open.

(cheers, applause, etc.)

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